Whimsy: Rankle-Free Rankings

Have you ever wondered what would happen if Car and Driver ranked business schools? Or Soldier of Fortune?

BY TODD BARRETT, MBA '95

"When deciding on the validity of a study, it's wise to consider how the study was conducted and what exactly it was trying to measure. In many cases, the answer is magazine sales."

--Princeton Review/Time Magazine Guide to Graduate Schools

Illustration by Marc Rosenthal

WITH ALL THE HOO-HA over business school rankings, why should the newsmagazines, like Business Week and U.S. News & World Report, have all the fun? After all, any publisher with an eye to demographics should consider business school graduates an almost shamefully easy market--competitive, keenly attuned to market dynamics, and generally possessing no small amount of disposable income to spend on glossy trifles. Why shouldn't other magazines jump into the fray using the same exacting standards as the newsmagazines? Don't they have dartboards, too? And if they did, how would the GSB fare?
       BON APPÉTIT. You would expect that a school located in Northern California would feature California cuisine at its best. And Stanford doesn't disappoint. Gently fusing American classics with international fare, the cafeteria (dare we say café?) rates five forks as one of the nation's best business school cafeterias. We don't want just Three P's--we want all the peas we can handle at the to-die-for salad bar. Just try to focus on the merits of convertible bonds as you bite into a cinnamon Danish from the bakery section. Wow, that's fresh! Look to the east and think of those at Harvard huddled over canned clam chowder for warmth. Stanford grads may get an MBA, but we spell the education there Y-U-M.
       CAR AND DRIVER. Stanford Business School is legendarily tough to get into--especially if you're a General Motors product. Take a quick trip through the "A" lot closest to campus and you'll see that at the GSB, students not only learn about international currency transfers, they live them. These students like their cars, and if you're looking to mix a little driving excitement with a first-rate business education, Stanford is clearly the school for you. Put the top down and head to Woodside for a dash up to Skyline Drive. Think they can do this in the flatlands of Evanston? Don't fear the gentle curves, unlike the nasty forced curves at some other business schools. And don't worry about financing. Corporate Finance class can help with the pesky lease-versus-buy decision. (No cheating on the terminal value!)
       GLAMOUR. Classes are hard but class is easy to come by at Stanford, one of the nation's most tasteful graduate business programs. This season, no business school better epitomizes the hot-hot-hot trends du jour than Stanford. The Stanford look has been reengineered for fall. Outgoing dean Michael Spence has put together a super palette of great colors for almost any occasion. Dress the degree up for a consulting firm interview or dress it down for that must-have job in the Valley. Check out the slim-fitting financial aid budget; no room to breathe in those numbers but who cares--the degree looks so great on you. How about these students at right wearing the fashionable looks of the season (sandals by Teva, $60; shorts by Gap, $28; case study by Harvard Business School Press, $700). It's the perfect look for ob class when you want that special someone to escalate their commitment.
       SOLDIER OF FORTUNE. Let's face facts--communism's dead, insurgencies are down, and it's next to impossible to find a decent revolution anymore. So what's a good mercenary to do? Well, if you're thinking about building on your skills to expand into a related field, Stanford may be the place for you. It's open to diver-sity (but, heads up--they tend to frown on gun-running and state-sponsored terrorism). It's international; students hail from around the world, including some countries that you may have tried to destabilize. Stay away from the labor symps in organizational behavior and focus on dishing out cold, hard debt from your hp 12C in finance classes. Here's a hint, though: In business school, the vc are the good guys.